You probably never expected to be in a “coparenting” situation. Let alone coparenting while standing in the gap for your husband, hoping for marriage restoration.
Yet, unfortunately, here you are. And here I am.
Parenting is hard enough. Coparenting is even more difficult and top that off with standing in the gap is something you can navigate with grace with the help of some of these tips and, most importantly, the power of the Holy Spirit. Here are some tried and true tips that have helped me coparent with grace.
Coparenting While Standing in the Gap
Although, coparenting was never part of God’s plan for His children, we as standers can still approach this biblically. After all, God has called us to peace. In 2 Corinthians 13:11 it states “Dear brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.”
In this post, I will be discussing tips on how to coparent while standing in the gap.
1)Give Grace
Ephesians 4:7 states “But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ’s gift.”
In a divorce and custody situation, there’s not much kindness going around. Instead, there is a lot of hardness of heart. Regardless of who’s decision it was to divorce, the Lord called you to stand in the gap for your husband and marriage. Meaning, give grace to your husband, to your inlaws, and any one else who was rooting for your divorce.
Come to the understanding that grace needs to start with you since the Lord called you to stand for marriage restoration.
So what does giving grace look like?
We must first know what grace really is. Grace in definition is unmerited favor of God toward man, it is undeserved kindness. Since the Lord has given each and everyone of us grace, we must also show that grace to our (ex) husbands since they are still the headship of our family regardless of what the court says and regardless of whether or not your husband is still living with you or not.
If you hope to have a restored marriage, you must first start showing kindness to your husband and that includes grace
Grace looks like –
*When your (ex) husband is angry and you do not reciprocate with more anger but instead with kindness and gentleness in your words and actions
*When you are not welcome to your inlaws home because you are divorced (and they didn’t like you to begin with); however you continue to welcome them into your home
*Possibly cooking, cleaning and doing laundry for him since you are who the Lord recognizes as his covenant wife and his helpmeet and as such, act like one.
In my case, my (ex)husband still lives in our home. He came back home after 2 years of being away from the home. We went through divorce and we are still divorced but the Lord has been faithful in keeping His promise that He was going to bring my (ex) husband back home and keep him home.
I know all this might sound like being a doormat but not at all! We as standers can still set up boundaries. These are just examples of showing kindness and grace.
The Holy Spirit can help us and guide us in showing grace to the ones who have hurt us the most. Jesus says in Matthew 5:44″But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!”
2)The Kids Come First
In a coparenting situation, remember the kids come first. In this way, you and your (ex) husband are on the same team which is what is best for your kids. Their health, wellness, and safety come first.
Whatever happened between you and your (ex)husband has nothing to do with your kids. Your kids, unfortunately, are just caught in the middle of the break up. They did not ask for this situation.
Put your emotions aside (easier said than done, I know) and put your child’s health, wellness, and safety a top priority.
Consider these questions:
Is it safe?
Is this going to harm my child’s mental or emotional health?
Is this going to make my child ill?
I know what it feels like to have your (ex) spouse taking your child and possibly be in contact with the “other woman”. In the beginning, I tried to prevent this from happening. It did not bode well for me. Instead, it gave my husband the idea that I was being controlling.
Although, we can’t always be there with our kids, you have to trust that Your Heavenly Father is always watching them and loves them more than you do. Trust the Lord to be your eyes and ears for you.
Pray over your children. Pray the armor of God over them. And also, pray with your children.
3) Let Things Go
Ever since the movie, Frozen came out, the famous song “Let It Go” always comes to mind. However, unlike the song, you let go your hurts, hang ups to the Lord and not “let the storm rage on”.
I remember before my husband left the home, I would not let anything go. I had to let him know every single thing I was thinking and feeling and I needed to always have the last word. It was not until I started reading the Bible that I learned this is not God’s way. Boy, was I convicted when I read Proverbs 27:15-16 “A quarrelsome wife is a like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand.”
I know letting things go can sound so simple yet such a complicated task. Especially if you have not been practicing this all your life. However, remember that the Lord will never leave you and will always see you through the storm and even this, He will see you through it.
Many times, I needed to release all these hurt and angry feelings I had inside of me. In the beginning of my stand, I would go to a girlfriend about my issues or even my husband. Neither one of these choices helped my situation and I doubt it would help yours.
So what has helped me when there is something that hurts or angers me, especially when it’s regarding my (ex) husband, is I go to my Heavenly Father.
Find a quiet place (sometimes the bathroom works for me). Kneel on the bathroom floor if you have to, with your head bowed down and just pour out everything you are feeling and thinking to your Heavenly Father. Ask for direction. Ask for comfort and peace and let Him intercede on your behalf.
4) Have Patience
Change has to start with you and this includes patience. Patience with coparenting. Patience with standing in the gap. Patience with the Lord on when He will restore your marriage and your family.
Navigating through coparenting conflicts will take time so remember to have patience. This is not only difficult on you but also your (ex) husband and your children.
I admit, I sometimes become inpatient with how long this “stand” is taking. However, the Holy Spirit always brings to mind 2 Peter 3:9 “the Lord is not slow to fulfill His promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentence.”
Come to the understanding that this whole “coparenting” thing will take time to adjust. It may be rough at first but it can go smoother.
Think about when you and your husband are restored, you will need a better way of communication. You will still need to coparent with your spouse. The basic definition of “coparent” is share the duties of raising a child.
5) Don’t Put Your Kids in the Middle
Do not gossip or talk negatively about your (ex) husband. As a stander, he is still your spouse regardless of what the court has decreed. As Christians, we know that gossiping is a no-no. As Proverbs 20:19 states “A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid anyone who talks too much.”
Regardless of whether you approve of his behavior or choices, your (ex)husband is still your children’s father. If you hope for marriage restoration, start letting the Holy Spirit change you in the way you think and the way you speak. “For out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks” Matthew 12:34
6) Communicate With Your Spouse
Communication may be extremely difficult in the beginning. However, clear and concise communication is extremely important so you limit confusion. And in turn, lessen the amount of arguing.
Make sure you share with your (ex) husband, any schedules or any important events you are planning on.
Also communicate anything going on with your children. This could be:
*school work
*health/medication
*anything pertinent that happened
*sports
Again, put your emotions aside. Pour your heart to the Lord and even confide with a fellow “stander”. I will discuss this in a later time.
7) Give Yourself Grace
This is my final tip: don’t forget to give yourself grace.
This is a tough situation to be in: having your family divided yet hoping for the complete opposite.
Give yourself some grace and patience. Remember that you are human and you will make mistakes. Just get back up, “stand” again the next day.
Practice on walking with the Lord (if you’re not already). Practice hearing His voice. Practice spending time with the Lord and having Him comfort and transform you.
Friend, you’ve got this! If God has called you to this role, He will equip you. He did not make a mistake!
So what do you do as a coparenting stander?
You show your children how to walk in the Lord’s ways. Show them the importance of building a relationship with the Lord and how the Lord can move your mountains. Show your children how to believe for the impossible since Jesus said “‘what is impossible with man is possible with God.'” Luke 18:27.
You may not see instant results from your circumstances; however, He will comfort and strengthen you to continue standing for your (ex)husband. In time, you will see a change in you, you will a change in how you interact with your (ex) husband and even a change in your situation.
This post is all about the ultimate tips to coparenting while standing in the gap
Other posts that may interest you:
5 Fundamentals to Standing in the Gap for Your Husband and Your Marriage
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